I have such extreme anxiety right now. I can’t shake it off. I feel absolutely sick about having sex with James. Not because I feel used, I just don’t consider myself good enough. I keep thinking of all the negative things that he could’ve thought, or thinking he woke up ashamed and embarrassed. It is wrecking me, my disgusting lack of self esteem is destroying everything good in my life. I know I need help, I just don’t have the courage to ask for it.
wheat kings.
multiple attempts to make sense of my life.
It’s been over two years. I remember the two first months felt like forever. Two years ago I thought I would be okay in two years time. I wasn’t back then, it felt like a never ending pain. But the ‘reasonable me’ kept on saying “Hold on, just hold on. I will be okay, it will end one day and it will go faster than you expect. It just doesn’t feel like that right now. But I know it will.”
I honestly thought two years would be more than enough to… I don’t even know to what. To move on, to stop hurting, to stop crying, to stop loving. Perhaps even to forget?
But I haven’t. I haven’t stopped hurting. I haven’t really moved on. And I have definitely not forgotten. So now I don’t know what I should tell myself anymore. I guess people who say that you’ll never forget your first true love are actually telling the truth.
